Doubt.

Me and the homosexual lobby against the world.

TW: Transphobia

My days have currently been filled up with building up the courage to call my health insurance company again, and calling my surgeons office, doing it, and getting no where, and being more frustrating than I was before.

For those who haven’t previously been informed about my top surgery insurance debacles, here is the recap:

• Doctors file claim

• Insurance says they need more info

• Doctor’s send info and think they got an approval and give me a date (July 3)

• Gets insurance denial in May

Since the denial I have been trying to get any info on if I should appeal, if they will be able to submit another authorization and why it was denied in the first place. What it says to me is “denied due to lack of info”.

After many dead end calls, giving me little information on what I need to provide for them to appease the denial, it caused me to reflect.

Before, when I was in the bliss of thinking I was approved and awaiting the surgery date to come. I was full of doubt. Worried about if this was the right choice for me, if I would live to regret it and so on. Any conservative rhetoric that I was forced fed as a child was suddenly bubbling up to the surface of my mind. I was getting good at listening to myself and realizing that this is clearly something I need.

Going through all of this work to get the care I need. Fighting what seems like an endless fight, made me realize how much I need this. And maybe that’s the reason for all of it, to realize its something I think is worth fighting for.

As I was reflecting on this, in-between calls from the doctors office and the insurance, I received this text:

From Grampy:

(Deadname), God did not make a mistake with your gender, but because you were shy with boys, you’ve been convinced by the homosexual lobby that this is the case. Please do not have surgery. Grammie and I will always love you. <3

Lovely.

Obviously getting this text did not feel great. In fact, it felt pretty shitty.

I could go on and on about how the intricacies of my family continue to boggle my mind and fill up the empty spaces with doubt, but that would be a really long Substack post to read.

I sent messages to my friends, called my mother in law, and angrily let out shrieks of frustration with my partner. Thinking of how someone could even think like this, and think they are doing this out of love. It is truly, awful.

The thing of this is, if this happened to me a year or two ago, it would ruin my whole week, and I would be thinking about it over and over trying to convince myself I am still valid.

Me a few years ago would take this as a sign from God that I shouldn’t go through with top surgery, that maybe I was meant to be a girl and he is trying to tell me.

Here I am though, a few years into my transition. Happy and loving myself more and more each day. I was upset about this message, but it did not last forever. A few hours later even, I am writing this post and beginning to move past it. And above all, what is most shocking to me, is that it did not make me waiver in my understanding of myself.

I am not as fragile in my identity as I once was. I am not as easily convinced that I am wrong, or damaged, or an abomination. I am strong in who I am, and just me.

So after I was done momentarily crashing out about this message, I kept it moving.

I called insurance and my doctors office, and think I might finally (I hope) have made some progress in getting it approved. Then I went to the library and printed out forms to legally change my name.

Something my partner said really rang true to me in this instance, in regards to changing my name:

Me: This message might have made things a lot more difficult for me.

Her: Or by doing it, it may make it much more powerful.

I hope anyone who reads this, is doing well. Happy pride.

Take god care,

EJ